the end of one road might be the start of another.

Being a catholic, I have not attended mass or novena for ages, but i did last saturday. What I got was a wake up call, I suddenly felt, that this whole ivf process was a wrong move for me. As a catholic, it is against the churches teaching. I spoke to Mother Mary, and she told me to leave it to her. To trust her, if we have children or not. I decided from then that i will leave our marriage to her. If we concieve, to dedicate our baby/babies to her, if we do not, maybe consider adoption. No more ivf . I will pray to the Lord and ask Mother Mary to intercede for us to have children.

total cost of this cycle

I realised I had all the receipts from this IVF cycle so I calculated the total cost. It came as a shock, it came to a whopping cost of $22k to $23k including hubby's injections and my acupuncture. Wow that is damn a lot of money and wow it was a BFN. Shittt..... We are shocked at the cost, but we are prepared to continue and go ahead with round 3, this round will cost even more with a visit to the urologist and with me starting with the high dose of gonal F, I will be starting with 525iu right away. Hopefully we will be able to do it in 2 to 3 months time. Really the things we do to get a baby....

BFN... again

did an earlier blood test and it was a negative again. So this cycle is gone. Doctor says it is a sperm issue and she will look for a urologist for us to help hubby with the morphology . She says his sperm quality is really bad. I was really disappointed but still strong and willing to try a few more times. This time, this whole ivf has brought us a lot closer . We learnt to appreciate each other a lot more and our relationship has improved a lot better. This is the sliver lining in the cloud.

my blood test is on 13 july

I am excited and nervous about my blood test because i really wish it will be positive at the same time, I have to pre empt myself for negative. The whole world around me seems to be getting pregnant and it stinks to know it is not me. First, my classmate who got married way after me , then my neighbour's DIL and I just found out today, my church friend, why do people have it so easy and here I am jabbing myself , jabbing my husband , spending tons of money and wondering if this whole process is a success? I am happy for them, but why not me? I know I should be grateful for a chance to even do ivf but sometimes, I really cannot help wondering why can't I have it easier? I am not blaming my husband, I am not blaming myself , I just wonder .... just rambling..... maybe my moods... maybe i am just at a loss of words....

7 days after ET

I have been having real trouble sleeping at night these days.... I sleep a lot during the day but at night, keep waking up. This makes me really tired ... also, i am getting a low grade headache and a little nausea.... sigh... it might be the effects of the injections I think, I hate feeling sick all the time... and bored sometimes....