the end of one road might be the start of another.

Being a catholic, I have not attended mass or novena for ages, but i did last saturday. What I got was a wake up call, I suddenly felt, that this whole ivf process was a wrong move for me. As a catholic, it is against the churches teaching. I spoke to Mother Mary, and she told me to leave it to her. To trust her, if we have children or not. I decided from then that i will leave our marriage to her. If we concieve, to dedicate our baby/babies to her, if we do not, maybe consider adoption. No more ivf . I will pray to the Lord and ask Mother Mary to intercede for us to have children.

total cost of this cycle

I realised I had all the receipts from this IVF cycle so I calculated the total cost. It came as a shock, it came to a whopping cost of $22k to $23k including hubby's injections and my acupuncture. Wow that is damn a lot of money and wow it was a BFN. Shittt..... We are shocked at the cost, but we are prepared to continue and go ahead with round 3, this round will cost even more with a visit to the urologist and with me starting with the high dose of gonal F, I will be starting with 525iu right away. Hopefully we will be able to do it in 2 to 3 months time. Really the things we do to get a baby....

BFN... again

did an earlier blood test and it was a negative again. So this cycle is gone. Doctor says it is a sperm issue and she will look for a urologist for us to help hubby with the morphology . She says his sperm quality is really bad. I was really disappointed but still strong and willing to try a few more times. This time, this whole ivf has brought us a lot closer . We learnt to appreciate each other a lot more and our relationship has improved a lot better. This is the sliver lining in the cloud.

my blood test is on 13 july

I am excited and nervous about my blood test because i really wish it will be positive at the same time, I have to pre empt myself for negative. The whole world around me seems to be getting pregnant and it stinks to know it is not me. First, my classmate who got married way after me , then my neighbour's DIL and I just found out today, my church friend, why do people have it so easy and here I am jabbing myself , jabbing my husband , spending tons of money and wondering if this whole process is a success? I am happy for them, but why not me? I know I should be grateful for a chance to even do ivf but sometimes, I really cannot help wondering why can't I have it easier? I am not blaming my husband, I am not blaming myself , I just wonder .... just rambling..... maybe my moods... maybe i am just at a loss of words....

7 days after ET

I have been having real trouble sleeping at night these days.... I sleep a lot during the day but at night, keep waking up. This makes me really tired ... also, i am getting a low grade headache and a little nausea.... sigh... it might be the effects of the injections I think, I hate feeling sick all the time... and bored sometimes....

day 3 after ET

It has been a long long 3 days, mainly because of the bad diarrhoea i have been having, going more than 10 times in a day and at night, stomach churning and diarrhoea for about 5 to 6 times, I have been feeling tired, tummy churning and unable to sleep, miserable, but today, I went to see Dr Thong, she gave me some meds, coupled with the acpuncture I did, I was able to get a couple hours of undisturbed sleep in the afternoon. I hope tonight will be better. So far so good, fingers crossed...
Erm I haven't been too good, been going out for short periods to my mum's ( dinner on sat, sun and after doc's today ) and yesterday to liang court to exchange my faulty DVD that i am going to watch ... ahh starting tonight!! Yes I will rest more at home...

ET with 2 embies today!

Wow went through a very very long egg transfer, 1hr 30 mins, I had to keep requesting for Dr Thong to drain my urine.. TMI i know.. well I only had 2 embies this time, a grade 1, 2 cell and a grade 2 , 4 cell. Well this is better than the last time, with 1, 4 cell, a little disappointed but good try. Doctor says it is because of hubby's sperm. Well it is ok, I am grateful we have a shot at it again. Acupuncture was good.... calming.
Rest and lots of rest coming up,
Jas

ER today.... hoping for the best

Did the Egg retrieval today, was better than the last failed cycle, I had 8 eggs, out of which 6 are matured... Dr Thong said the other 2 might still mature and fertilize. I am hoping for 5, anything more than that will be a bonus... actually, anything more than 1 is good.... I hope the embryologist calls tomorrow with good news * crossing fingers*
The whole ER process is quite different in raffles, in the morning, I was sent to a ward, ( recordered very high BP 170!! nurse asked if I have hypertension, told her no , hehe I was just nervous.) Changed and waited for the nurses to wheel me into the OT. I had to walk from the OR to the operation bed. Unlike KKH, they do not ask you to spread your legs... your legs are on a chair and covered with a blanket, I think after I was sedated, they spread your legs for you... at recovery, once you wake up, you are wheeled back into your ward, where I rested for an hour and had a sandwich and milo there...
None of the sitting to wait for your turn to do ER and also the nurses in the OT were relaxed and were chatting with me till I was sedated. Oh I recall Dr Thong coming in to say hi and I was sedated... They are both nurses I see often in the raffles fertility center, both Dr Thong's nurses so when i saw them , I felt at ease right away. Overall a nicer more relaxed environment.

tomorrow is ER... I am a little apprehensive but overall excited

Tomorrow is the Egg retrieval, I am a little scared, excited and nervous... I hope everything goes well and I hope my eggs are good.... this whole experience with raffles hospital , Dr Thong has been really different, Dr Thong over saw the whole process, from scanning to determining the dosage and types of meds to give to me. She is very encouraging too.. I enjoyed the whole process with her and the waiting time was minimum ... also, I did not have to shuttle from the pharmacy to the clinic, everything is taken care of by the nurses. Who by the way are very nice and friendly..( For the record KKH nurses are very nice and friendly too ).But yup it comes with a price to pay... raffles cost quite a bit more than KKH and there is no grant from the gov. But given my case, I did already know that a regular IVF cycle will not work on me.. So I really hope this time, it works.

stuff that i have been eating this time

here's a list of things I have been consuming during my whole journey...
4 to 6 egg whites a day ( hard boil, steam or half boil)
2 GNC women mega
2 folic acid
1 omega 3 ( dunno the dosage)
2 usana calcium tablets
2 bottles of chicken essence
1 bowl of black chicken soup ( sometimes just the chicken essence sometimes just the black chicken soup)
I go for acupuncture as well.
yup that's it..
Jas

9 good follicles and ER on wed 24 june

I am so happy,
so happy I can stop doing 3 jabs a day, so happy I can stop feeling sick in the gut and most of all, so happy my follicles are growing very well, I have nine good ones, and my E2 hormone levels are very good, according to Dr Thong, my hormones work out to 6000 plus, that works out to 800 plus per follicle which mean they will have good quality eggs! Yay, ever since i started my centrotide jabs, I have been subjected to blood test every 2 days.. now i realized, it is for Dr Thong to determine the quality of my eggs. When they were not growing well, she gave me an additional injection... erm i am not sure what it is.... oh wait on my invoice it says luveris 75iu. Surprise surprise , my scan today went so well even Dr Thong said, wow you really react well to luveris... I was so happy, tired as hell, but happy. Tonight will be my trigger and Wednesday morning will be ER, I hope everything goes well, boy do I hope.... *Yawn* I am sleepy as I type this, sleepy and bloated...
Wish me luck...
God Bless
Jas

6 follicles and more jabs

I had 6 follicles based on my scan on thursday, size 13mm to 8 mm. This morning, i woke up 1hr 40 mins late for my jabs. Yup jabs now, I have to do the gonal F and the centriod injections. Gonal F is fine, but the centriod, needle is long, thicker and also a lot of medication to go in.... when i draw the needle out, i bleed...not exactly loving it..... Oh well, I am happy I have 6 follicles now, I hope they fertilize. ER will be on tuesday or wednesday.... more jabs.... :( anything for a baby/babies...

New Zealand and more....

I love NZ, the lovely weather, the wonderful service and of course the friendly people. People there, do not put money first, they put the customers first and you can really tell the difference. I love cold weather so winter was lovely, loved it, tried to ski, sucked at it , kept falling down haha.
I really want to move there. I love that place, makes me smile when i wake up everyday.
I started my injections of 375iu gonal F on the 12th of june, I came back on 15th, saw dr thong on 16th and I only had 4 follicles!! Boy i was disappointed... she increased it to 525 iu. I hope the scan tomorrow is better, I have stubborn ovaries.... I hate that.... oh man i do hope it works...
Come on ovaries, do your stuff!!

Dr Thong changed her mind...

I guess, you are wondering if she changed her mind about letting me start in june. Nope, but she changed her mind about letting me stop Gynera ( the pill i am taking to regulate my menses) . Instead of stopping the day before I return, Dr Thong wants me to stop on the 7th, that means, i will be going to NZ and getting my menses there... EEKS I hate traveling with my menses....
Oh and that also means I have to bring my injections there and also jab there... as the date grows near, I am getting excited and apprehensive at the same time. I cannot help feeling negative , what if it fails again? Sigh, yes I will try my best to be positive.
Wish me luck
Jas

starting soon

I went to see Dr Joan Thong Pao-Wen yesterday to do my day 2 blood test and hormonal test. The weird thing was, Dr Thong makes all her patients lie down for 30 minutes before doing the hormonal test. I have no idea why. Well I did that, and saw her in the afternoon again at about 3 pm. Day 2 means I was having my menses and was shocked when she told me that she wanted to do a vaginal scan... I was thinking erm wouldn't that be extremely messy ?? As usual, Dr Thong is a very confident and nice doctor. While I was squirming in my seat, she reassured me saying she has done this a lot of times and she is used to it. Anyway, this is done for her to determine how strong a dosage she needs to give me for my IVF cycle. She saw 11 follicles and was pleased by what she saw. I was surprised and happy too. She told me, she felt really good about my success rate and she told me, that she always wishes all her patients best of luck before starting and said " good luck" to me. That made me feel happy that I made the absolute right choice in choosing her. She started me on Gynera till 14 of june, for my NZ trip and after a couple of days when my menses comes, I will offically start my 10 to 11 days of injections. For those of you interested , my cycle is called a cetrotide cycle. I am really positive about this cycle, it surprises me that after failing one round, I still can be this positive .. :)
Wish Me Luck!
Jas

Too cooling but blood too hot!

I went to bangkok last tuesday, to get some stuff for my online store as well as bring my mother in law home. She has some thai relatives there. It happens that my grand uncle in law had his chinese physican friend over. So since I was there, I decided to let him take a look at me. What he told me was rather shocking. He said I am very "liang" too cooling, but my blood is very warm. This can be seen from a red palm and often feeling warm.
Normally for me, when I touch someone else, I am always the warmer one. So he told me to take some meds that my grand uncle happens to be taking. Right away, my grand uncle took 3 bottles out and told me to start taking them. He said they were suitable for my hubby as well. So I have been taking them 3 pills each in the morning and at night. They do work though. Now, I tend to be the same temperature or cooler then others I touch. Ohh the days to ivf is coming closer and closer. Excited yet worried. Mix feelings..

travelling looking for products and everything else

Will be starting ivf again soon in june... this time, I seem a lot more confident, or at least I am trying to be. Sigh... not looking forward to jabs and all the mood swings, but I am looking forward to cradling our little baby/babies in my arms.. everytime i shop for friend's children and babies, I wish I am shopping for my own little one. Sigh... I hope it works this time. I really do.

Confused!!

I went to get medication from KKH for my hubby's jabs. I was told that i would need to see Dr Loh, So I did. When I spoke to him, he seemed a little peeved that I cousulted another doctor, and when i actually told him Dr Thong suggested antoganistic cycle, he said " try if you want, but the chances of success is lower" I got a shock, i was never told that. Once again, he reaffirmed that my ovarian reserve is not good. But he said my blood test all came back normal. He is unable to explain why . Goodness. Oh Dr Loh told me to see Dr Shelia Loh at raffles instead ( they are not related FYI). I decided to consult her.
I went home and hubby told me not to be swayed by what one doctor says... but to me, he is suppose to be the best one in SG right? So how not to be swayed? I thought a couple of days about it, and decided to cancel my appointment with Dr Shelia Loh. I will be going with Dr Joan Thong. No more choosing. My mind is made up but it will be in june of course. :) WISH ME LUCK :)

new doctor new hope

I went to see Dr Thong from raffles hospital for a 2nd opinion of my ivf failure. She was really positive about my situation. She encouraged me to rest and start in may/june. But because we will be going on a family trip to NZ in june, we decided on june/july time frame. Dr Thong decided to let me go on a antognistic cycle, a shorter cycle, for ladies that respond poorly to puregon( will ask her more on that and blog about it the next time). She has also requested that hubby do his injections all the way till Egg reterival day so that we will get the best sperms. I am looking forward to journey with Dr Thong. She is a confident lady , whom I have seen success stories from. I feel really comfortable with her and hubby was willing to let me choose my doctor . Wish me luck! :)

I think because of the failed ivf in jan, my cycle was late by 2 weeks, basically, i was 2 weeks late from my last cycle and no I am not pregnant...

it was a BFN and i felt horrible

Well, i did go for the blood test and expected, it was a negative, yup i took a really long time to update this blog, cause well, i did not really want to talk about it and harp on the failure. It turns out that apparently, my eggs were not good too. After the BFN on wednesday, i saw Dr Loh of KKH on saturday. I did not know why, but i felt so lost and so depressed sitting at The private suite, like I dread going there. When i went in, i spoke to Dr loh, seems to me he has been really busy with all the new ivf patients. He seems to be in a hurry, but I don't blame him. But what he said next came as a shock," he told me, i think your eggs are not as good as well, and there are too few, I had 6 eggs. For someone my age, this is considered really little". I was silent for abit, did not know how to react, but in the end, just asked him if he would give me a higher dosage of puregon for the next cycle. He agreeded.

He told me as well, that hubby did not need more jabs, but i feel otherwise and told him i felt fresh will be better. He gave me the prescription for the medication and told me not to wait too long for the next IVF, he said start in march /april. I was not mentally prepared for that, intending to rest till june at least. Stilling in the pharmacy waiting to collect the medication, i felt so tired, tired that we have to do more injections, chinese medication and supplements. I never felt so tired. When i got home, i just broke down, I was so disappointed with myself with the results. I felt horrible.

The end of my IVF cycle, BFN!

Hi everyone,
i kept feeling menses like symptoms the past few days... i tested and my pregnancy test was negative, so i was mentally prepared for a failed cycle. This morning, strange enough, i felt that i should put on a pad. True enough, my menses came in the morning, I was really disappointed, but mentally prepared, maybe that's why i was not broken or upset. Just disappointed. Hubby was really disappointed. I think he , was more disappointed than me. Cause I prepared myself mentally. But seeing menses is like a confirmation that this cycle failed.
Wednesday is the pregnancy blood test, but I feel it is pointless to go for it.... all the same, i will ring KKH up and ask them if I still need to go for the blood test. We will be going for cycle 2 in june/july... Crossing my fingers and hope little baby/babies will be blessed to us then . In the mean time, i will be going to see the chinese doctor to tio my body .

12 days after transfer

hi again,
yesterday was my sil's wedding, busy busy day, hubby had to do all the cleaning up although i helped a little. Tried to rest as much as i could, got a room in the hotel, so i was able to sleep right after the event. Felt a little sick and tired crampy some times, but other then that , no problem. Just did my last pregnyl jab today, hope my little embryo sticks, blood test will be on 28th as 26th and 27th will be CNY. hope for the best cause i really dunno what to expect. Am still trying to keep my expectations and hopes normal hahaha not low not high, normal. been going out cause too bored at home :P

it has been 5 days after my egg transfer

it is been 5 days after my egg transfer, sad part is , i only had one embryo, so i just pray that my little embryo with grow and stick and become my baby, i have to do pregnyl jabs every 3 days, nope they do not hurt, but waiting at home is killing me. Yes folks i am dying cause i am so darn bored. so i got my hubby to take me out to dinner yesterday and the day before... It was nice to be out of the house for even that 2 hrs.
I woke up this morning, feeling sick, i had mild cramps as usual, but on top of that, i felt sick, i felt like vomiting, like sick in the gut. I don't think i am pregnant yet, too early to be, so might be the side effect of pregnyl.... i hope this is not going to keep up, yucks... hate that feeling... oh well i just hope my embryo sticks.
Oh i forgot to mention, i have been craving the weirdest foods haha maybe cause of the pregnyl injections, one minute it is fish slice soup, next minute it is chicken rice, for the record, i do eat these things but i do not really like to eat these at all. people that know me, know me as more of a western food person. :P
To my little baby,
mummy loves you lots and mummy hopes you stay nice and warm in mummy. * hugs* Love u lots baby :)

egg transfer on sat 10 jan

Had my eggs retrieved yesterday, did not feel anypain, but lots of aches.... i was so worried that i would feel the whole thing being done, but i was totally knocked out. the procedure only took 15 mins, but i only woke up 45 mins later... had 6 eggs. hopefully all of them will become embryos. today, feel much better . less bloating less mood swings... good day and looking forward to see my babies tomorrow :)

egg retrieval on thursday

finally after so long, my egg retrieval is scheduled on thursday...
I have a total of 8 follicles... on the left 6 and right 2.. i think my right ovary is not working well...
I had mild side effects... bloating, mood swings and tiredness... slept a lot today.. worried about egg retrieval.. hope everything goes well. hope there are good eggs to fertilized.. ahh it seems like for someone my age, my response to puregon is sure slow....
200iu for 7 days
300iu for 2 days
400iu for 4 days
my eggs range from 22.5 to 8 mm now.. yup .

left my whole fridge to go bag.. including syringe and lucrin in a cab yesterday... so imagine i had to buy a whole new bottle of lucrin for just one jab... what a waste... ohh i need to get another fridge to go again... :P careless... hehe...